Tag Archive | challenge

Sitting on Pins and Needles

YIKES! That’s a painful picture! But if you think of the meaning it explains a lot:

It means feeling sharp anticipation or anxiety; in a state of suspense. Someone who is “on pins and needles” is very anxious and nervous. This not necessarily a negative emotion although the phrase is sometimes used in that way, it is usually used to describe someone who is in great anticipation of some event that they have been looking forward to.

OK, so maybe saying I’m sitting on the edge of my seat is better:

If a story keeps you on the edge of your seat, it is very exciting and you want to know what is going to happen next.

Hmm, well in my case I guess I’ll have to stay with the pins and needles thing. You see, the other day (2/7/12) I had a follow-up EEG. I haven’t had one in years – when you don’t have insurance you sort of let things slide. I won’t find out the results of the test until I see the doctor NEXT Friday – 2/17/12 – hence the pins and needles thing.

Yes, I have been living with my epilepsy since 1991. Yes, I have been taking meds all this time. A person gets tired of taking medication – especially when those meds make you tired all the time, and still fog up your brain. I’ve been having the feeling of late that the more foggy feeling is because I either don’t need as much of the medication, or I don’t need it at all.

Wouldn’t that be fantastic?

Since I had the surgery putting electrodes directly on my brain in August 2007 for testing, then removed and everything closed back up, I haven’t had anymore seizures. This is a major record for me. I truly want to be one of those rare people whose seizures stop because the brain’s environment changed.

Yes, I know there will always be some damage – face it having seizures causes some brain damage to the area where the seizures originate. But, some research I’ve read on fighting early stages of dementia suggest that Vitamin B12 and learning new skills (like more things for my business) can help build brain cells. I’ll be asking if this will work in my case.

So, here I sit (figuratively) on a BIG helping of pins and needles waiting for next Friday and to find out the test results. As I usually spend my prayers on many other folks, I’m going to be a bit “greedy” and ask that my hopes come true. That’s not a bad thing. Right?

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When Will it Stop???

Have you ever felt like the weight of the whole World rests squarely on your shoulders? Do you feel that mythology had it wrong – Atlas was a woman? Well sista, please trust me you are not alone.

We have all felt that crushing weight at one time or another. We have all heard words of encouragement and at some times have thought them to be empty words of platitude. I know I have. I know it can be beyond a “challenge” sometimes. Hell, it’s a pain to try to keep using a “positive” word like challenge to describe a particular situation. Because as soon as you (well OK, me) start using negative words for the situation, it seems to get worse even if it is just a tiny bit.

But please remember YOU cannot control everything in life. Going back to my introduction story – I have epilepsy and at times it has negatively effected my life. Yes, with medication and the surgery I had I can stop my seizures. But remember, I had some hurdles to jump just to get to this point. I had to experience more seizures than I ever had. I had to loose a job as a result of the seizures. I (apparently) had to go through a time in my life where I felt useless and a burden. I had to go through some painful testing. There weren’t many things I had control over. I had all that weight piling up plus all the worry and frustration I added to the pile that only dragged me down further.

I suppose I had control over whether or not I went through the testing/surgery, but even that I really felt no control over. I felt I had to go through that because how else would I know if we could stop my seizures. During this time I was stressing over how we would pay for things/bills. Being short one income.

Then slowly but surely during the end of that process, things started getting better. I started (baby steps) a version of my business. That start helped my self-esteem and helped me realize that even though I had all that weight on my shoulders I could do something about part of it. I needed to do something so I felt like I could contribute to improving our situation. Doing that helped me get out from the soul-sucking depression I was at the edge of and could step away from.

Slowly but just as surely that weight started lifting from my shoulders and things are getting better – and so is my outlook on life. So dear reader, what I’m trying to tell you – things will eventually get better. When that weight lifts you feel like you can soar!